The Realistic Guide to Getting Beach Ready

spanish beach

Preparing for a holiday is the stressful as it is. There’s getting your currency, making sure you’re not a terror threat with over 100ml of hand cream in your hand luggage, and setting the god damn alarm for 4am to get your Ryanair flight to somewhere with no culture, but lots of sunshine and watered down mojitos. There’s been a lot of controversy on being ‘beach ready’ recently, but it doesn’t matter who you are, nobody looks forward to being half naked in front of a bunch of strangers and you may very well take some steps to make yourself feel a little bit more comfortable.

Here’s how I get beach ready:

1) Hair removal

friends waxing scene

I could wax, but the idea of having follicles ripped right from the core of my skin doesn’t really do it for me. Shaving is pain free, but repeatedly doing that every day on holiday is a fast track to Rashville, first stop Angry Bumps on Your Inner Thigh. For a solution that lasts longer than 24 hours, I always go for Veet Hair Removal Cream*. For best results, do as I do: apply it late at night the day before you are due to fly, while your suitcase lies empty and your boyfriend reminds you that you have to be up in 3 hours to go to the airport.

2) Diet

About two weeks before going away I realise that maybe I don’t want to share my cellulite with the masses, so I make a half hearted attempt at not eating shit. This goes really well for the first day; I turn down doughnuts in the office, I substitute potatoes for extra veggies and I eat loads of fruit. Then I figure one doughnut won’t hurt, and well, potatoes are technically a vegetable. And hell, you know what? I’ll being getting in a bikini regardless, so sod it.

3) Exercise

mindy kaling gif

It’s no secret that I am anti-exercise. I just prefer sitting down, that’s all. But because I have a dodgy back, I do go the gym. Before a holiday I will enthusiastically tell everyone that I am indeed going to the gym, and that you know, I can’t go out tonight because I have a body attack class. I’ll work really hard, then go home and smash a six pack of salt and vinegar Squares. Because I earned it.

4) Beauty regime

I buy beauty products all year round and leave them to gather dust in my bathroom, just in time for a last minute ‘session’ before going away. I convince myself that I couldn’t possibly go out in public on holiday without having worn a hair mask, face mask and foot mask the night before leaving. I am slathered in products, looking like a blank canvas for all the tester pots from Homebase and unable to move anywhere without cracking an flaking all over the bathroom floor. I’m so shiny, but the mix of smells on my body is a bit much.

5) Buying a bikini

Purchasing swimwear for a holiday is horrific. I hate buying underwear as it is, but waterproof underwear that I have to wear in front of everyone? Urgh. I’ll order eight bikinis online and put them on under the harsh overhead lighting of my bedroom, marvel at how anyone can squeeze their boobs into such a small amount of material and go for whichever one will stop me from revealing actual genitalia on the beach. Comfy.

Hey presto! Beach prepped and ready to lie down in the same space for six hours a day, five days straight. Sorted.

This post has been sponsored by Veet Hair Removal. All opinions are my own.

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