I recently purchased the most beautifully ugly shoes from ASOS. They are big and clumpy, but of the sandal variety so perfect for summer. The day after they arrived I wore them with some vintage culottes and a high neck ribbed top and looked bloody awesome. Five minutes later, I hated myself, the shoes (cruelly called ‘Have a Dream’ Sandals), the online shopping industry and anyone walking faster than me. My thought process throughout the day was as follows
1) These look AMAZING. How have I managed to dress myself for this long without them?
2) Woah, they’re so comfortable! This is great!
3) OK, so they rub a little, but they’re new, that’s expected.
4) Maybe they’re more of a ‘sitting down’ shoe.
5) I should have put plasters and Party Feet in my bag. Who wears new shoes and is unprepared like this? God, I’m stupid.
6) I could probably mug that woman for her Nikes and get away with it. If I could hobble away quick enough.
7) Where’s that old pair of flip flops I used to keep under my desk? Can I get away with going to meetings barefoot?
8) HOW CAN SOMETHING SO PRETTY BE SO EVIL?
9) If one more person tells me to hair dryer these shoes while wearing fluffy socks, I’m going to lose my shit
10) The V&A exhibition ‘Shoes: Pleasure and Pain’ should just have these bastards at the centre with a neon sign above it flashing the word AGONY
11) I’m tweeting my disgust to said shop to ask why they are marketing instruments of torture as footwear
12) They are pretty though
13) HOLY SHIT! LOOK WHAT THEY’VE DONE TO MY FEET!
14) LOOK, PEOPLE OF INSTAGRAM! Look what these bastards have done to my feet!
15) I am never wearing these again
16) I’m returning them tomorrow
This post is sponsored by Scholl, who kindly gave me some Party Feet after this very real tragedy happened last week!